3 Year Celebration

Ah, February! A dreary and dreadful month! Although, today the sun is shining in Tennessee and the sky a beautiful cerulean with white wisps floating about. So why do I still feel depressed? Why do any of us feel depressed? A bad phone call here, a mean look there, or just waking up wrong. Or perhaps a predisposition to depression has created a chronic state of overwhelming sadness that has bedded itself within. No matter the reason, when we are depressed or "deeply saddened" we are not in the state God intended us to be. We were given the ability to feel joy and happiness, so why can we not remain in these states of bliss?
I have pondered this for many years going back and forth from one theory to another. Yes, I could blame everything on being bipolar, but why is it a constant battle to stay "happy" or even calm? Why should it be?
Three years ago today, I was at the lowest state I have ever been (and I pray I will ever get). So for the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about ways to celebrate the miracle of living, of just being alive. What better way to celebrate than to celebrate with family and friends, and perhaps create a blog while I'm at it? Therefore, I am attempting my first blog.
As aforementioned, today marks the 3 year anniversary of what I have dubbed (with the help of my dad), "Listening for the Pin Drop Among a Hurricane."
I was sitting in the same office I am now, in the midst of a four month depression, listening for over an hour to a stranger call me things that no one should ever possess in their vocabularies. What he said exactly, I care not to remember, yet, I allowed him to do that, because I thought it was true. I knew it was true. My depressed reality dictated that everything he said was true; therefore, I forced myself to listen to him. What did I do after this? I calmly logged out of my work, went to my bedroom, pulled out a shotgun and shells, and proceeded to load the gun. It was like looking into a dark tunnel with no escape. I had come to terms with what I was about to do and knew it to be the right thing. There was no stopping to write notes or send text messages, my singular thought, my one goal, was to be done with everything. This life, this world, my friends and family, nothing mattered, none of them were on my mind. It was just myself and the gun.
As I put the shell into the chamber, I heard one little "ping." Nothing major. Just a small sound that barely caught my attention. Curious, I looked down and part of the gun had fallen off. A tiny spring. Insignificant, but enough to make me pause. Did I really want to try to shoot myself with a faulty gun? I had heard horror stories about people blotching their deaths and having to live in wheelchairs, their thoughts no longer intact.
A roaring rushed my ears and every emotion that had bottled up came crashing around me. Sobbing and cutting myself, I screamed at God. It was only until I was calmer that I realized He wanted me to live. How many times had I tried killing myself and yet every time I was thwarted? The realization that I was to live almost seemed like a cruel joke. Live? Why? What was my purpose?
Yahweh's answers to questions that I didn't realize I was asking did not come until a month or so later, but I understood that I am here for a reason.
I still do not know my ultimate purpose in life; however, I do know that Yahweh wants us to live. No matter how bad it gets, no matter how much we wish to die, He wants us to live. Thus, I want to do something to celebrate living. Although, I feel like I am back to where I was 3 years ago (minus the severe depression), I know He has a plan for me. And I want to journey this life looking for it.
The journey will be tough, Satan will be there at every turn, but the end result will be worth the pain, suffering, laughter, and joy. Thankfully, there are others who can help (e.g. friends, family, counselors, etc.) and what I call "pain relievers" (e.g. Omega-3s, Frankincense, Tune-Ups from Essentials of Serenity by Janice Oaks, etc.). And, most importantly of all, prayer. I don't know what I would have done without the long "conversation" I had with God 3 years ago.
In celebration of living, I invite all to grasp life with open arms and say, "Bring it on, I'm here and I'm not going down without a fight and a smile on my face!"